


Begrudge

by holographic_meatloaf



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Battle Nexus (TMNT), and my summaries are just bad, exodus aftermath, gotta strike while the iron deficiency's hot and then crawl back into my depression hole, grudge match - Freeform, my titles are just bad dad jokes, shower thoughts but without the shower
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:07:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22432366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holographic_meatloaf/pseuds/holographic_meatloaf
Summary: He had a habit of trying to make sense of things at the worst times.(Mikey's Mid-Battle thoughts during the episode Grudge Match)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Begrudge

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize if this is a bit hard to read. It's a bit more "stream of consciousness"-y than the last one.

Often, he was tagged as the most emotional out of his brothers. He had yet to determine whether or not they meant it as a good or bad thing, though he rarely cared, it wasn’t as though he ever got to choose. Regardless, they tended to color his experiences and fill in the blank spaces where his memories lapsed, leaving a vague enough trail for him to follow as he tried to piece together the events that had occurred.

He was thrown to the ground, and he felt resigned. His ego was more bruised than anything but he couldn’t help the ache in his chest as Kluh towered over him. He could practically hear the triumph in Raph’s mocking laughter, visualize the pointed condescending furrow of Don’s face, _feel_ the tangible disappointment that radiated off of Leo now more than ever, _taste_ the metallic tang of carnage, almost ashamed at its unfamiliarity because it meant that he had to dwell on the numerous occasions in which blows meant for him were intercepted…wait. He spit, and barely had time to register how he had darkened the dirt before a silhouette loomed too close for comfort, and he leapt away to avoid the business end of a skewer.

Wood splintered against his shell, and he felt confused. The throb at his core instantaneously snaked outward in a flare of physical pain. Why was he still here? Shouldn’t he have disappeared by now? But such thoughts pulled him to places he would rather not revisit, so he dared look up in search of the answers that eluded him. He was too far away to see their expressions, and even further removed to hope they thought well of him still in this moment of pathetic desperation, but he looked for his brothers and father anyways. No one looked back.

Punch after punch rattled his bones, and he felt fearful. Something was wrong but he couldn’t think straight anymore, his thoughts more occupied with pronouncing each blow and he lurched forward so hard he felt like his body was attempting to phase out on its own. Was this meant to happen? Did he deserve this? His initial denial grew weaker with each successive hit. _Why wasn’t anyone coming to help?_ His energy dwindled and finally faded. He couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed when Kluh held him aloft by an arm, in the spectacle he once reveled in he shrank involuntarily as the light struck him more brutally than any weapon. He was an embarrass _ment_. No wonder he was on his own. They had all made that fairly apparent well before they had even arrived, and he was more than eager despite his nervousness to prove himself, but he knew in the end his heart wasn’t in this fight. His pride was at stake, his trophy, his title, but honestly he gleaned that his family would much rather it all disappear to knock him off of his fabricated pedestal Don and Raph and even Leo sometimes seemed so fond of chipping away at. He was as capable as he was tired, but in light of recent events, he diverted much of his effort away from maintaining the illusion instead towards lifting his brothers up away from the edge he often found himself peering over because he loved them so much more than anything the Nexus had to offer. They wouldn’t abandon him like this, would they?

They were attempting to teach him a lesson like it wasn’t a lesson he had learned the hard way time and time again, and he couldn’t help but feel as though they were angry with him for seemingly devaluing this too in asking for the least bit of recognition for his accomplishments. Maybe he did go overboard, he always took care to overstep Raph’s boundaries at any given opportunity, but he was always hoping that if he brought it up on one of those nights, in which the adrenaline rush did the talking for them, that he’d get lucky and catch one of them slipping-one of them telling him that he had made them proud, that he was right and whole and perfect beyond a reasonable doubt, or one of the many other things he told them when the worst times were upon them. Was it selfish of him to ask the same in return?

His arm went numb, and subsequently his thoughts quieted, Kluh’s smirk was annoying but he was accustomed to it, and let it fade into the blur of the background. His words stuck to each other and pounded against his head, but only a few actually sunk in. Some threat about himself that wasn’t surprising, something about his family and destruction that took longer than he was proud of to process but once he had he was beyond irritated, which _did_ surprise him because he found himself unable to shake it. He wished he hadn’t been so sluggish, he would have come up with the perfect line to counter it, maybe do something super cool or heroic like get one good punch in so he’d drop to the ground and at least go out fighting, but he was just too upset to do anything else and it consumed him.

In an instant he was back on that damn ship, paralyzed but ready to do what he had to like the rest of his family, because he knew both from his comics and from experience that sometimes the worst was just inevitable. He hadn’t fancied himself much of a hero that day, with his two useless legs and his even more useless mouth, as he sat dumb, unable to remind Donnie that it wasn’t his fault and that it was ok and that he didn’t have to be sorry anymore for what they were about to do or for anything. Unable to take one last swing at Raph for being an overall pain in the ass but they deserved each other and they knew it, and he also knew they’d both rather go out in good spirits anyways. Unable to throw himself at Leo like he’d done since they could walk, just to tackle him out of whatever funk he had been in because watching him take a breath and smile was his own small form of security that he treasured. Unable to tell his own father that for all the jokes, pranks, and general chaos, he’s scared and angry and troubled too and just wants to hear that he’s loved before the universe forgets he was ever there. He’d wanted to die with the stars in his eyes, but had to make do with the cold steely gray of the ship’s interior before his recollection ceased and collapsed along with the generator. It was probably one of the worst, if not _the_ _worst_ day of his entire life, but he would have done it again for the safety of the universe, and everyone in it.

For Kluh.

He remembered being furious.

Sure, he may not have known the sacrifices they had been prepared to make, the turbulence that had since followed that left Leonardo out of commission, that caused Raphael and Donatello to turn back to back as though the world would close in on them at any moment, the thoughts conceived out of the tense isolation when he found himself guarding the drain Leo circled around alone because even Master Splinter couldn’t help him now…But he knew it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered to Kluh but this win, by any means, and he was angry at just how dense a person could be when it came to the big picture stuff. He was angry that he was even being put in this position, what more could he possibly have to prove? That he was _worth_ enough to have his name scratched into the dirt somewhere? That he was _mature_ enough to lift the weight of the heavy burdens he had carried since childhood? That he was _disciplined_ enough to not reach out for help when he was beaten and worn, while he watched as they all scoffed and tightened the lids on their glass bottles like they wouldn’t shatter when they hit the ground?

He had caught Leonardo _alone_ just before impact too many times to count lately, and as hard as he tried to be vague, his big brother was an open book to him, with pages and pages of jagged edges and hardened rants about how he was the only one who cared anymore because he was too paranoid not to. He would train him into the ground only to pluck him out, brush him off, and bury him again even though he knew he would much rather gather them all up into a box and place them on a shelf somewhere where he knew he wouldn’t lose them. He would spit at him about whatever TV show he would sneak off to watch because he couldn’t stand to see Leo so not like himself it hurt and pretend he wasn’t lamenting whatever stone barrier prevented him now from finding joy in the simpler things. He had taken him to a precipice overlooking the Nexus to him to focus and clear his mind, but the thinner air strangled him as Leo cracked the smallest amount and all but begged him to stay whole. There was an uncomfortable finality to his words, and there was an unspoken acknowledgement between them that hung in the air with a noticeably bittersweet melancholy.

“We only have each other…” _Don’t get hurt again._

“If one of us goes down, we all go down…” _If you give up, I’ll give up, and I’m not strong enough to carry you. I’m sorry._

“…so focus.” _Please do this for me._

He never doubted Leo believed in him, why else would he have been there with him in his hour of need? But it was still nice to hear him say it, even indirectly, even when he was…like this. At the time he had played it off, but it was like being covered in a blanket riddled with holes, and it hurt him to look into his eyes and acknowledge that he shouldn’t be laughing, that this was the really best that Leonardo could offer him in his current mindset but he offered it nonetheless, which was more than he could say for his other brothers, his father, or hell, even himself. It warmed him, but it flickered upward behind his eyes and burned his vision red, scorching his insides as his frustration kindled it, fueling his ire. _When does it end? Does it end?_ He’d always hoped the infinite would at least be cyclical, leaving the small chance for them to all just pick up a controller and reset the way their favorite characters do, but as he stared out into the void he feared it as expansive as the unforgiving universe that marched on without so much as a parting glance. Maybe he would have joked about it at another time but at the moment he was busy trying yet again to keep the Reaper at bay, albeit in much less of a spectacular fashion. And if what Leo or Kluh said was the truth then he had the destruction of his family on his soul to boot. Raphael would surely never let him hear the end of it. It was too stupid to let go.

 _That’s **it.**_ He’d had enough as it was, he didn’t need this. It wasn’t that the battle wasn’t important to him anymore-his priorities had simply shifted. And while it was nice to remember the satisfaction it brought him to think on how much he _thought_ he had grown, it was much easier to see that it wasn’t about him anymore without his stupid grin reflecting off the glass of a trophy he would have thrown in the garbage, because something had to give. The state of things was so much larger and far too fragile for him to allow his ego to get in the way of what was more pressing. Leo wasn’t crushing himself under the weight of his failures so some intergalactic meathead could flatten him. Raph wasn’t out recklessly spotting the streets with his blood, sweat, and “eyeball sweat” so he could be struck down here for a cause he wouldn’t throw himself in front of. Don wasn’t worrying himself sick over every little thing to have some bitter morons inadvertently reenact his worst nightmares. Sensei wasn’t trying to hold everyone together to only have it all fall apart over a title more empty than the vacuum of space.

And he hadn’t spent his life getting knocked down only to forget now how to stand up for what he believed in with all his heart and soul. Tired of waiting for fate to act, he was going to end this himself. Though his body protested, his spirit fought harder, and that was that.

The crowd roared in approval, and he felt nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> This just in, local funny boy puts his thoughts and feelings and observations and desires on the back-burner for his family, again. More jokes at 11


End file.
